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February 19, 2016

Life In A Pressure Cooker – What It Means To Be Eighteen

By Eliza S Robinson in Uncategorized Tag #ALevels, #author, #Blog, #Life, #teenager, #Writer

“These are the best years of your life”, they say. “I wish I was your age again” is the constant refrain, but I have to wonder: is the desire to…

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Eliza S Robinson
Eliza S Robinson

Eliza S Robinson is a writer based in Glasgow, Scotland.

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It's been 9.5 years since I began writing The Purest Form of Chaos, and this book has faded in and out of existence in various forms. This was one of the last scenes I added to the book, only two years old where other parts have lived for almost a decade. Late as it was to arrive in the story, this short exchange between Phoenix and Persephone is one of my favourites. This one's for the hypocrites, the failures, the people with good intentions who never seem to get it right. The biggest change in Persephone's character since the earlier drafts was that I allowed her to fail, to be anything other than a perfect heroine. Persephone is a failure and Phoenix is a hypocrite, and if that doesn't capture what it's like to be in your early 20s (albeit in a fun futuristic setting) I don't know what does. Rainy Saturdays call for bookshop cafes, and coffee with the novel I can never quite let go of. I don't know when I stopped missing travel, stopped aching for it the way I did when all this began. It's been two years since I was in Tallinn, wandering through the streets where my novel is set, eating oatmeal cookies and looking down from the viewing platforms out towards the Baltic Sea. Travel used to be the focal point of my life, the way I would come back to myself. My yearly trips to Estonia were pilgrimages, they were how I honoured my inner writer, my inner artist. They were my path to freedom, and those journeys were something I could always create for myself. The thought that keeps coming to me today is: I spend too much time consuming, when I want to be creating. Black Moon Lilith is a dark point in the orbit of the moon, neither planet nor asteroid, simply a mathematical calculation. In astrology it represents the shadow feminine and the dark side of female power; warped and chaotic. Sometimes freedom comes from chaos, and empowerment from destruction. The greatest lesson you can learn as a young woman and a writer is to hold your own stories close. There is freedom in fiction, a radical rejection of the lie we have been sold that our creative value comes from baring our most vulnerable wounds to the world in order to be taken seriously.
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